Chemo Round Three: Kick Cancer in the Face!

On Monday, I met with my Plastic Surgeon who filled my expanders. I am very pleased with how they are shaping up compared to the beginning stages. I would show pictures if I didn't think that may be a tid-bit inappropriate for the Internet anyways. I have had more than I can count look at my new breasts in person. It's funny because I don't feel the least bit inhibited by this. Maybe because they really aren't mine? I mean the insides aren't theoretically mine. Maybe because I am becoming less insecure. Maybe because they are just breast after all! This fill is probably my last. I will keep the expanders through the duration of my treatment and once my blood count is good I can have my surgery. This is far out so I am not thinking about this just yet. While I was at this appointment my doctor asked if a possible patient could take a peek. I said sure. I mean everyone and their mother has seen them at this point and I am not shy about it. This woman was in her fifties, my guess. She had received a lumpectomy by the same surgical oncologist I had five years ago and has now been diagnosed with breast cancer. Early stages but still breast cancer. She had only just found out five weeks ago and was at my plastic surgeons office for a consult regarding the bi-lateral mastectomy with reconstruction. She would be receiving the expanders after surgery just as I did should she choose this option. This woman was so sweet and terrified. You could see it in her eyes. She was teary-eyed just speaking about her diagnoses. I let her look at my breast to see how they turned out. I explained how scared I was for my surgery, but  Dr. W was the best and she would be in great hands. I spoke to her about how I went through a range of emotions and have been very open with my journey. I gave her my signature "Heather Hug" and let her know that the MOST important thing she can do throughout her journey is have a Positive state of mind. Stay strong mentally! After meeting her I felt compassion for this woman whose life is beginning to go upside down. I know. I have been there and am going through it!

Round Three is not fun!! I had my usual routine blood draw, met with my Doctor and vitals were checked. I am pleased to announce that the five pound increments of weight are not consistent so I weighed in the same as two weeks ago. I am happy to not continue weight gain but know that it is mostly due to my depleting appetite. At my appointment it was discussed how harsh the nausea was on round two along with the fatigue and achy bone pain. For these side effects they decided to change up my anti nausea meds I receive via IV. I cant remember the name but instead of Zofran I am receiving something that begins with an A.... As for the fatigue and bone pain I will be receiving IV fluid and some other medicine that begins with a T..Tordol (?) on Friday in hopes that I can have a pleasant weekend. Fingers Crossed!!

So handsome in his uniform XOXO

*I have to brag a bit about how wonderful my littles are before continuing. On Chemo Day,Tuesday, I went with my husband to drop off the littles at preschool. My dear sweet Grayson asked me before leaving the house if I could go inside the school to show off my head!! LOL! When I went inside without any hat he was ecstatic. He was so proud that I was his mom and I got teary-eyed as I was leaving him in his classroom after the hundredth hug and kiss. It completely melted my heart. The innocence of children always surprises me. What would otherwise receive an not-understanding glare or ignorant comment from an adult who has no clue other than the personal judgement and criticism they feel pardoned to turns out to be a beautiful acceptance and honest lovely pride from a child. I am and always will be one of those moms who will hold onto a tight embrace until they are ready to let go. I will tell them I love them a million times a day if I feel the urge to do so. In this moment my heart really could have burst! Also have to brag how awesome he looks in his karate uniform. okay. That is all. Brag session over.*

Back to Chemo Round Three. It was just as the other two treatments had gone. I had a different nurse. This time nurse K. I received my new anti nausea concoction, my strawberry daiquiri followed by my clear liquid. This round I met a fantastic women who just lit up my world quite literally. Her energy was tangible to say the least. She is in her fifties, has three children, one of which is autistic, just finished her chemo in June just before I began mine, is currently taking radiation and will be having her hysterectomy with mastectomy using tissue transfer from her stomach. She gave me a bag full of hats to wear and sat and talked with David and I for a good while. She discussed how this changed her life and she values her family time now more than ever. She just wants to go to Disney when all is said and done. She refers to my AC treatment as the Anti-Christ, secretly may I say, I agree. It is awful! She had the same chemo treatment I am going through and gave me insights into tricks she did to feel better and cope. She was this really rad, hippie, laid back, energetic, and funny woman. Her attitude about everything was remarkable. She was high energy and ready to be done with everything. She stated to only focus on one thing at a time. Get by one portion before thinking of the next. After meeting this amazing, strong, energetic survivor I was thinking how I hope to continue my journey with as much emphasis on life and survival.

All ready for my torture

The Strawberry Daiquiri

Later after treatment around 5:30pm I began feeling intense nausea. This time I really came the closest I have ever been to throwing up. I could only stomach the delicious but high sodium Ramen noodles for dinner, took my anti nausea pill and went to bed.

Day two, Wednesday, I woke feeling awful. Sore throat and nauseous with no appetite. I went in for my routine Neulasta injection and went to bed early with the littles.

Today is day three, Thursday and I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a truck. That awful flu-like achy feeling with warmth of a fever but lack of one. Still nauseous. I took all my meds including Claritin and Advil to help with the injection side effects and think I may play sleeping beauty today.

This week is still not over as tomorrow I have another round of IV liquids to hopefully make me feel better. I had a good week all in all. I met two amazing women. One who is just beginning her journey and one whose journey is coming to an end. It is a reminder to me how this cancer nonsense is an epidemic. There are so many lives touched by cancer it is ridiculous. For my journey,  I will stay strong and continue to kick this cancer in the face because I AM STRONGER than my CANCER.

With Love & Hugs,
Heather

Shave it Off

Early this evening was my appointment to have my wig fitting and head shaved. In all honesty I was nervous about how I would end up feeling during and after the appointment. My experience with Wig fittings has only been to the extent of a very sweet elderly volunteer with the American Cancer Society. That wig was a no way. Simply looked too wiggy! Then last week my sister gave up her two wigs she got for fun but again I tried them on and they looked too wiggy! Tonight though, was a different level of Wigery.

Let me explain how the hair falling out feels so that you can understand. For men I really have no comparison unless you have long hair and wear a pony tail however I imagine it would feel the same. First of all it itches and is sore. It hurts to touch and irritatingly falls everywhere. Ladies can understand this comparison. It is similar to when you wear your hair in a ponytail too tight or pins in your hair too tightly. When you take it out your scalp hurts. It is sore. That sums it up. Just all over your scalp.

My new sleeve

I arrived at the Image Recovery Center early and one of the staff helped me with getting my Lymphedema Sleeve (Compression Garment) fitted while I waited for the Cosmetologist to be ready for me. This was great considering it saved me time from having to come in next week after my injection appointment. This fitting consisted of her measuring around my wrist, forearm and upper arm. She then gave me a pantyhose supportive stretchy arm sleeve to put my right arm into. Being as my right arm had the most lymph nodes taken out, this is the possible Lymphedema arm. At any point in life the possibility of getting Lymphedema in this arm is lingering. To avoid this I must be careful to not burn or cut myself on that side, no heavy lifting or repetitive motion, no pulling etc. I need to wear the sleeve when I feel sore or swollen in this arm or armpit area, when traveling on an airplane, exercising, and when doing yoga. This will help give my arm the support it needs during those activities but is not to be worn at night.

It was time for me to do this. My hair has been continuously falling out since last Thursday evening. With no signs of slowing its pace and only further receding hairline, it was time. The Cosmetologist, Lisa, was phenomenal. She was fun, kind, knowledgeable and had a great energy. She explained that the Chemo is preventing my body from fixing itself inside out so my job is to take extra care of the outside. Meaning, pamper with pedicures and manicures using organic ingredients and nail polish, moisturizing skin, continuing to shampoo and condition scalp using products without harsh chemicals, massaging the scalp to help for when my hair grows back, resting when my body needs rest, wearing a comfy hat to bed to keep my scalp warm, sleeping on satin sheets (I liked hearing this one) and overall care of a wig was discussed.

I did not think I had to wash my bald head. Silly me, the whole reason behind washing hair is not for your hair, it is for your scalp. By washing and massaging your scalp you are allowing regeneration of hair follicles to continue so that your hair continues to grow. I learned that immediately after chemo and/or radiation my hair will start to grow back. Also, it may grow back thicker, finer, curly and in any color, even gray! This is so exciting. My new head of hair will be like a chia pet or a surprise toy you find in the bottom of a cereal box! I wonder what color and texture it will grow out to be. Plus I will get to have that pixie haircut I always wanted to try but was too afraid of. Mostly because until my hair is long again, Pixie is what I'll be working with.

I have an average sized head.In case you were curious.

Option 1- Priceless - Literally

Option 2 - Bob

Silly Break

Option 3 - $150

Lisa got three wig boxes from storage. Two were donated. Translation: Free. The other was one of the $150.00 range. She had wigs up to $350.00. My insurance doesn't cover the wig but she wanted me to see the difference. She placed a stocking over what hair I had left for sanitation reasons and began with the first one. It was perfect! Much like hairstyles I have had in the past. I didn't feel like I was wearing a mullet on my head or too Wiggy. It was one of the donated ones so that was a plus. She showed me how to adjust the size and explained that there was no need to wear a cap under. She combed it out and it looked great. Well, I thought so anyways. The next was a short bob, which didn't look too bad but the first was more complimentary. The last was the one at $150. It was nice and had pretty highlights but still was not as nice as the first. I was super excited to finally have a wig that looked somewhat natural but more importantly a wig that I would feel comfortable wearing because "Hello" it is my bald head we are talking about here.

Now it was time for the shave. Lisa cut down to a 3 (I think) leaving some hair behind to fall out gradually leaving behind bald spots until all hair is gone. She couldn't shave off completely because risk of nicking the skin and an infection arising. As she was shaving I kept thinking this isn't that bad. We laughed and made comments about a Mohawk etc. After, I felt more feminine, more empowered, stronger, and I along with my husband and mother-in-law were all smiles. Lisa helped make the experience a better one. Not once did I want to cry or pity myself for what needed to be done. It wasn't bad at all. Still hurts but less hair now so that's a plus. Now it is the waiting game to see how long it takes to all fall, when it starts growing back again and what it will look like. Until then I am going to rock the wraps, hats, wig and bald head!

Away we go

Mohawk?

Almost Complete

Yeah, We are Best Buds now!

Finished 

How I left

With Love & Hugs,
Heather

Chemo Round #2 : FIGHT

Last week, I had my second Chemo Treatment and all went as the first treatment did....EXCEPT how I felt.

Treatment #2 Cocktail

So Studious

When I arrived for treatment I had my labs done and vitals taken. I weighed in at an additional 5 pounds from two weeks prior and labs were good to go. I met with Doctor C, and we discussed some of the side effects I have experienced along with very important questions I had. Such as: Can I have a glass of wine??! Okay, not that important and really not feeling wine anyways these days but received a green light should I feel for a nice glass of calm me the *&$# down!

I discussed with Doctor C all of the side effects and looked longingly into his eyes for some sort of reinforcement that this will get better. Nope! Nada! In fact, he replied, very tenderly, that this will get worse as treatment moves forward. To be honest, the first treatment was not fun but I felt a small sense of empowerment. A silent confidence that , Hey, I CAN handle this! This went wayward south real fast after the second treatment. Doctor C, his nurse and I had our discussion. Another script for nausea was written to coincide with my first and I was called back to my cozy private quarters to receive my cocktail mixers.

I had Nurse C this time. (I undoubtedly will have experienced the full alphabet by the time all is said and done) The procedure was the same. My pre-mixers, followed by my Strawberry Daiquiri and ending with my clear mix. This time, with the clear cocktail, Nurse C lowered the rate that it was administered to help with the nose burning side effect. Also, with Treatment Two, Doctor C added my hormonal blocker.

Ah, the lovely hormonal blocker: Goserelin Injection. This injection is shot into the lower fatty area of your Tum Tum. Literally little pellets are shot into your body and dissolve. This injection is used in advanced breast cancer to lower the amount of Estrogen produced. By lowering the amount of Estrogen produced, the idea is that the cancer will have less ability to grow and continue to spread. My Estrogen is feeding the cancer, so the less estrogen, the less food for the cancer. (Not the direct medical terminology I received but the gist). I receive the shot every month for the next five years. Doctor C, felt that we could start this during treatment as opposed to beginning after treatment completed. He really loves me is all!

My Little Sissy on her Wedding day!

After treatment last week and to present, I have felt awful. This round was more potent for sure. Even during treatment I felt a little on the woozy side. I got a bruise from the hormonal injection, received my injection of Neulasta the day after treatment, booked my head shaving appointment and then headed off to my hometown for my little sister's wedding. Time Line: Treatment last Tuesday with lovely and painful Gose injection, Neulasta injection on Wednesday and travel to hometown Thursday. Immediately, Tuesday night I felt sick. Three times worse than the first round. Wednesday, I felt sick all day. Thursday, I felt sick all day. Thursday night I took a shower and clumps of hair began falling out. Right before my sister's wedding...seriously! Friday my bones hurt three times more than the first treatment. (Think Flu like aches and pains, just amped up a bit). Friday, I literally slept all afternoon until 6pm. Friday night..more hair clumps and Saturday feeling horrible inside, I attended and participated in my little sissy's wedding. Then, we made our trip back home. I slept the first half before it was my turn to drive. Sunday I felt horrible and spent pretty much all day either in the bathroom or sleeping. Fun times!

Taken before Chemo #2

Thursday Night First Fall out - 7/16/2015- 2 Days Post Treatment

Today Massive Fall out- 7/20/2015 - 6 Days Post Treatment

Since my last treatment last Tuesday, I have felt horrible, been in the bathroom more times than I could possibly count, slept more than I have in months, started loosing my hair at an annoyingly quick pace (very annoying to feel strands of hair fall on your shoulders - it is similar to what I can imagine a hundred little black ants crawling around on your shoulders would feel like) and began loosing my taste buds (this is devastating to me - I LOVE to eat)!

However, even with all the toxic nonsense going on inside my body I was still able to get to my sister's wedding, have a mini vacation with my husband, see my Aunt and two cousins and actually relax a bit. This treatment really had me question whether I can really do this or not. Sad because I have just begun, but true. Cancer may have gotten it's dirty paws on me. It may make me feel like I want to sleep and never wake up again. It may make me loose all interest in foods I once loved. It may take away all of my hair. It may make me so sick I can hardly stand it. Cancer will  continue to do it's dirty deed to my body and chemo will continue to interfere with my normal healthy immune system BUT there is so many more positives. For the first time in my life I am forced to really think about me. Pretty soon I won't have to shave, or spend ridiculous amounts of money getting my hair done. Pretty soon I'll eat just about anything and it won't matter because it will all taste the same anyways. I will plan for future trips with my family because life is put into perspective. I will try new things now because every day is never a guarantee. I will give more love and hugs to those who matter most in my life because Cancer may turn things upside down and inside out. Cancer may ruin things temporarily BUT Cancer also puts things into perspective, makes you stronger than you ever knew, makes you appreciate things you may have forgotten to appreciate and gives you another chance. At the end of last week it wasn't just that I got to see my sister get married, or spend a few nights away with my husband. It was seeing family that I haven't seen in years and family that I don't get to see all the time. It was my husband keeping his cool while my hair was coming out in clumps in his hands. It was spending time sleeping and doing nothing at all. It was actually being in the "Now" more times than not. It was feeling a peace and calm even though I felt horrible. It was my husband letting me sleep the majority of the drive home. Even though I spent the last two days sleeping most of the day. Even though he was tired. It was not really thinking too much or being trapped in my head. These were the highlights of the last week. These are the moments, experiences, things, feelings that Cancer can't take from me.

With Love & Hugs,
Heather

Chemo Treatment - Round #1

Very Interested in the port at the moment

Tuesday June 30, 2015 9:00am, I began my Cancer Treatment.  My infusion began at 9:00am and was a process to say the least. An hour prior to eating breakfast I had to take a pill for my stomach. An hour before the chemo infusion I had to rub Lidocaine cream on my port so that it would numb the area for when the nurse sticks in the needle for IV.  When I arrive at my appointment all the preliminaries take place: The nurse made her introduction, weighed me, took me to the treatment area where there are several cozy pockets of space for each patient, took my blood pressure, made sure I was comfortable, brought me a warm blanket (Man I love those warm blankets!)

The day prior to Chemo Day I was a mess. June 29, 2015, I was so nervous my stomach was like a spin coaster rearing at high Gravitron speeds. (Yes, that wonderfully classic fair ride where if you were not the one barfing up chunks you undoubtedly were witness to someone doing so. At the very least your nose would smell that horrific vomit smell from another patron on the ride.) My tummy was maneuvering in epic somersaults this day. I earned my frequent flier miles for bathroom services that is for sure! Nerves....All chalked up to Nerves.

Back to Chemo Day. Now 9:52am, I sat in my over sized comfy recliner with my snugly warm blanket, a small television,  coffee, books, journal, word search, water and hubster by my side. At one point I could see my husbands eyes get a little red rimmed. As though for a split second he was taking in the seriousness of the situation before realizing that he needs to be strong for me. For us. In this moment, I had a gentle inward reminder of why I have and will always be the one who portrays the strength outwardly. Inside, I could be an avalanche falling to pieces but on the outside I need to remain strong.  For him. For us.

My nurse gave me a pill to help alleviate the nerves I was experiencing. I even had the pleasure of a complimentary neck and shoulder massage prior to the infusion. Now that is service in my book!
My nurse, Nurse S explained everything very thoroughly and was the sweetest. She prepped the port area with a sterile cleaner and had me take a deep breath when she counted 1..2..3.. Deep breath and exhale as I felt the pinch of the needle and IV being placed. Not so bad but felt it for sure.
Next came a saline flush. The IV also had a water bag line attached to filter with the chemo. I received Pepcid via IV for my stomach and an IV of an anti nausea medicine EMIN. All of this took about an hour and a half. Then, the first chemo drug infusion was Adromycin. A reddish orange Kool Aid, or as the pharmacists referred to as strawberry daiquiri concoction. This was a 30 minute infusion. As I sat I wore stylish nursing gloves and soaked my nails in ice water to try to prevent any discoloration of the nail beds from the chemo. Not my favorite thing to do I have decided.  I can always opt for a darker polish. During this 30 minute infusion the pharmacists walks over and discusses possible side effects and how to try to avoid them on my end. He explains that the cocktail of pre-administered anti-nausea meds are the best that they have had experience with. They would be happy to try an alternate cocktail if the need arises but they have the best outcome from what they have administered to me. My job is to hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. We are talking a gallon of fluid. He explains to take my pills for nausea at the first sign of discomfort because once I get to that stomach bug feeling, it is too late and there will be little they could do for me. He continues to explain that my urine will be reddish orange for the following two days. Again, explaining that the more fluid I take in the easier it will be for the chemo drugs administered to flow out of my body allowing me minimal side effects.

My Kool Aid Daiquiri

So happy to be done with the ice torture

Thirty minutes come and gone. I am relieved to take my finger tips out of the frozen waters. Next is my second chemo infusion, Cytoxan. This infusion took an hour and was a clear fluid. Once this drug began I felt a slight cramping in my lower left belly quadrant. Towards the end of this infusion I experienced a burning feeling in my nose and sinuses. Felt similar to when you have a head cold and you feel that pressure in your nose or when you get water from the pool up your nose. Before detaching my IV, Nurse S gives me some water via IV simply to help hydrate. She recommends us purchasing the alkaline water from Trader Joe's for added benefit.

When all is said and done I am out at 1:30pm, fully loaded on my IV daiquiri, Clear liquid drug, Anti-Nausea meds, water, coffee, lunch (which was provided in the treatment room), I have peed orange several times and am not feeling bad at all.

After Chemo, I was ready for a snack because I had eaten lunch around 11:30am. I grabbed a PB Chocolate smoothie from Jamba Juice, merely thinking that I needed some protein. Bad choice. Around 4:30pm I felt super nauseous. The kind of nausea that you just are awaiting the next set of actions to take place. The nausea that hits you hard and has you spitting in the toilet because you can't stop foaming at the mouth. Yeah, No Fun! I felt a little dizzy and a bit like passing out. I took my anti-nausea pill and laid down. No actual vomit action to my surprise and appreciation. I will take the nausea over actual act of throwing up ANY Day! Hell, Ill take Diarrhea Cha Cha Cha over praying to the porcelain goddess ANY day!! Just saying. We all have our preferences in EVERYTHING.

Wednesday July 1, 2015 at 2:00pm I went back to receive an injection in my belly to help aid in the process of replenishing the white blood cells the chemo has depleted in my body. This is all very scientific you know. Where is Bill Nye when you need him? This appointment took all of 30 minutes tops. I received a shot in my belly, some reading material, information from Nurse S and I was out the door. Possible side effects are: bone aches similar to that of the flu and susceptibility to infection. Took a Claritin prior to injection to help aid in the inflammation, also took Advil when I got home to help with the bone pain ahead of time. Day 2-4 I am to take Advil for pain and a daily Claritin on top of everything else.

Looking Back:

When I was taking my treatment I saw women of all ages. I was probably the youngest, but there were women that looked maybe  to be in their 40's, 50's and older. I exchanged some understanding smiles. I also was witness to the staff singing and serenading patients for their last treatment. The staff gathers and sings (similar to the birthday serenade one may be given at a restaurant) they give the patient a certificate and balloons. It is really the sweetest send off. I congratulated two patients in passing by between my two days of appointments. Their faces were just lit up! All I could think of is whether or not I will cry when my time comes. Happy tears of course!

Why I am opting-No Wig

Some Fun/interesting Facts:

-I brush my teeth anywhere from 4-6 times a day now and use two different toothpastes
-I rinse my mouth in between brushing with salt and warm water (if Home) - This is to help prevent   mouth sores that the Chemo could cause
-When out of the house I rinse with alcohol free mouthwash after meals
-I have to flush the toilet twice from day 1-4 to prevent the chemo chemicals from lingering in the toilet
-I not only carry mouthwash in my purse now, but also: hand sanitizer, eye drops and anti nausea pills
-I wash my hands OCD- monk style because apparently I am more susceptible to infection from day 4-12

Why I am opting a hat

(Day 1=Chemo treatment, Day 2=injection, Day 3...so on)
-I will have to bring back memories of Michael Jackson and wear a face mask while in public places. If you see me, No I do not have an infectious disease. I am merely trying to prevent and take any and all precautions to assure I do not acquire your infectious diseases!
-I will undoubtedly become a germaphobe during this process
-I am at risk for Lymphedema forever-What does this mean? NO heavy lifting, no picking up my littles, no push ups, weights, when flying I have to wear a special sleeve, etc.  :(
-I eat Popsicles for a snack (eating one right now)
-I still have my hair


With Love and Hugs,
Heather :)

Being Selfish

Life is pretty funny. Amazing and hard with an enormous amount of irony but funny and strange just the same.

Had my wig fitting with the American Cancer Society..Looks Marvelous Darling!

I have always been a movie buff preferring a date night out to dinner and the movies to anything else.
When blockbuster was open I was a regular there every Friday evening when the new releases were out. I tried desperately to keep my choices within a 3-5 movie rental minimum. I would spend all weekend watching movies if I felt so compelled. I never have gone based on reviews solely. I hardly ever go by trailers. Some options are based on actors or directors. While others are based on plot or mere cover art. I tend to choose my books and music the same way. Having often times selected a new album or novel to read by mere chance and glance. Just selecting anything and peeking at the synopses before deciding to give it a go. I have discovered many amazing movies, books, and music in life with this strategy.

I love the place you are taken emotionally when watching an incredible movie. Or the place you wander within the realms of your own imagination when reading a great story.

Hard reality sets in with a sort of slight disappointment when I finish a great story or movie.
However, life, though can be your very own fairy tale, indeed showers you with turmoil. 
In a great love story, love conquers all but in reality love takes compromise and work. More importantly, motivation from both partners to insist on action to continue to do their separate part to maintain the love they share with one another. In an action film the heroine always prevails. In real life the heroine typically is the last man standing. Cue into the word "last". In real life the heroine rarely is noticed for their good unless he or she actively makes a point to become recognized. By Choice. At this point, though a good deed may have been accomplished with the best of intentions; I am not certain how much this person could truly be a heroine when true beauty and admiration should come from a place of the heart without any expectation of something in return. In movies or stories the villains are evil and unattractive outwardly. In some cases, have beauty on the outside but a cruel intent inside. While in life real evil could be as enticing as your weakest vice, a family relative and or anyone else who has ever done you wrong or betrayed you. In movies and stories the characters are determined ahead of time. In life we are born of innocence and grow to make our on decisions that seal our fate. We determine our own paths and hold responsibility for our actions.

Choice.

We choose how we love, who we love, how we hate, who we hate, how we deal, cope, accept, survive. Action. Reaction. All based on our simple choice. Funny because we tend to direct our anger, pain, sorrow, insecurities and even triumphs onto others in a way that may help us to be more comfortable. Hardly ever thinking of others around us. Of course we all hold a sense of entitlement to Life and how we feel it should pan out for us. Does this count as being selfish?
Sometimes I think this is just not right, I mean morally, right? Thinking and making action on anything for the sole purpose of making ourselves happy? Is this the key to life that I have been missing?  I then rethink that maybe if I were to think more about only myself the insecurities would dissipate. I would not "Care" as much thus resulting in a inner peace? Maybe. Or maybe I would loose the sensitive and compassionate side of myself that can relate to others pain, hurt, anger, sorrow. Maybe in only thinking of myself I would actually loose more than gain. Everything is begun by simple choice. So many people base  their choices on standards. My question is for whose benefit? Are these standards being based on the ideals of how someone else believes you should act, handle, cope, survive? Or are these standards of your own making? We all have choices everyday we are fortunate to be here on this earth. For me, I just want to make mine count for me. I want to have peace with the decisions I make in my life.

I never chose certain circumstances that I have come across in my life. I never chose to be diagnosed with Breast Cancer. It wasn't checked on a list of ideals I had for my life path. It just happened. Now my choice is how I cope, deal and handle. How I embrace, love and release. How I overcome, survive and conquer. How I choose to live with this diagnosis. How I choose to live my life after all the treatment, pain, shock, panic, fear and anxiety is gone. I have been told many times that now is my time to be selfish. Think of only myself and getting better. Maybe, yes. Easier said than done for sure. My choice is to simply try to obtain a peace with my choices along the way. In all aspects: Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. If this constitutes as being selfish then okay, I accept. At least I will try.

I have been resting, watching movies and getting lost in books. Even trying some new recipes. This is my tiny step to being more mindful of what I need to be healthy, happy, peaceful and alive. Not entirely selfish in the "don't care about anyone else" way but more selfish in the form of doing what I need to do to take care of myself in all aspects of what that may mean currently.

My first go at banana chocolate chip bread

Next in line to read:

Amy Poehler - Yes Please

Janet & Chris Attwood - The Passion Test

Veronica Roth - Divergent Trilogy

Just recently watched:

Jurassic World 

With Love & Hugs,

Heather

The Oxygen Chamber- May 8th

This is the torture chamber

My torture wasn't over on Friday morning. In walks a doctor who I hadn't met before. He explains to me, extremely enthusiastically, (which I appreciate) that they are going to give me a hyperbaric oxygen chamber treatment. 

A hyber doody whatty?

Basically, because of the bruising in my chest, this doctor was working with my plastic surgeon to be as preventative as possible to prevent any cell damage. 

During the surgery they were able to save (spare) my breast skin and nipples. In doing so there is a risk that the cells of the skin could die which would mean a second surgery. The hyperbaric oxygen treatment is an effective way to bring 90+% oxygen to that area. We only typically breathe in 20% on a daily average. 

Do I sound like Bill Nye the science guy right now?

Sad right?! Probably due to all of the pollutants and how horrible we treat our planet, but that is whole other post.

I suffer from anxiety, badly. (Mental note)

So, the doctor comes in and explains I will go inside this clear plastic MRI type of tube. I will relax and lay there for 2 hours. The pressure is dropped below sea level and I will be breathing oxygen. I may experience some ear popping and may get a bit chilly. 

He continues to explain that my insurance probably won't cover the other 9 treatments but he will try his best on his end and I will need to on my end to get authorization. However, the first treatment would be today (Friday the 8th) at noon.

The nurse brings my lunch at 11am which I wasn't too hungry for due to all the nausea I'd been experiencing. She also gave me a Xanax to help calm my nerves. I went to the bathroom before the nurse wheeled me down. When I got there I also went to the bathroom. 

I had to take off my underwear and only were allowed to have on this gown they gave me. They gave me a tube to breath in air if needed, a bottle of water to sip from to help prevent the ear popping and a wrist band on my right hand. I was covered with blankets and given the option between watching The Notebook or Nottinghill.

The overly enthusiastic nurses and doctor ( must be all the oxygen they inhale) pushed me inside this clear plastic tube and spoke to me from an outside telephone attached to my space tube.

This is how they communicate with you

In I went, head propped under pillows but uncomfortable, covered with blankets but not warm enough, water in one hand and movie playing. 

The first 15 minutes I felt pressure in my ears and began sipping my water to alleviate the popping. The noise was much like a hand dryer in a public restroom. I received a call through my tunnel from the chirpy nurse explaining that I was now at level and shouldn't hear as much noise. It indeed quieted down.

I awaited the Xanax to kick in and was trying to stay calm while I looked around at the nurses and the doctor freely standing having conversations amongst themselves while I was stuck in this tube.

Panic arose and I had to take a few deep breaths and focus on the movie.

Around what I thought was halfway thru I was cold and had to pee. I tapped on the plastic and asked how much longer. 

"One hour and 45 minutes," the nurse replied. 

A ginormous amount of panic awoke inside me. 

"Okay, I can do this," I thought to myself. I began to ignore the natural instinctive need to urinate and tried to focus all my attention on the movie. 

I began feeling the urge even stronger and tapped again, asking the nurse how much longer. Explaining. No, pleading, that I really need to pee. Trying to plead bargain as though this were a carnival ride that could be stopped with a simple switch or button. The nurse told me that it was okay to pee if I had to. They were nurses and used to it. Just to let it go like that Disney song. (Yes, She went there!)

Ugh! Easier said than done!!! 

I again tried to divert my attention back on the movie. At this point I could feel the pain in my bladder and the throbbing similar to when you stub your toe on something hard. 

Every second felt like an eternity and time was not on my side. I was trying so hard to watch the movie. At this point it proved as little distraction to the pain in my bladder. I really wished I would have  picked the Notebook. I do love Julia Roberts but Notting Hill was the worst movie to pick for my current situation. It dragged just as long as my time in this tube!

I began sweating and heart rate increased when I banged on the tube again. I expressed almost in tears that I was having a panic attack and physical reaction to having to pee so badly. She explained that I had about 30 more minutes. She stated that she couldn't bring me up fast because my lungs would collapse. Oh great! That's just what I need! I thought that this was bull donkey! I tried for the last hour to just pee as the nurses suggested but I simply could not do it. My logical mind knew peeing anywhere other than the bathroom was not acceptable. Plus, I was lying down and that is not cohesive to the flow of urination. I was panicked and had to breathe, continue being tortured by watching a very slow paced and non thrilling love story, while my bladder felt it would explode from the inside out. 

After what felt like a century, my 30 minutes was up and I was taken from the tube to the restroom. I must have urinated for a good 20 minutes! 

Secretly, I hoped to never have to do this again. I hoped that my insurance declined coverage because that was  torture. There was no way I could do 9 more treatments of that!!! Knowing that they lock you up in there helpless and I would not have my free will to go to the bathroom. No thank you, I'll pass!

I will work on positive thinking, nitro cream, and prayers to get oxygen to my bruised breasts!

I sure as hell did not get this option! No ear plugs and no option for clothing or laptop!

*Disclosure - None of the photos are of my own. Pulled from our worldwide web.*


With Love & Hugs, 

Heather

From Surgery to Now

It has been a week and a day since my bilateral mastectomy. Last thing I remember when they were rolling me in last Wednesday morning on the 6th: 

I began feeling anxious and tears were forming in my eyes. I looked at the nurses trying  to calm myself down in my head. Next, I awoke and it was around 12:30 in the afternoon. I was able to mumble some nonsense about how my chest felt like a did a million push ups ( I can barely do 10 on a good day) and then I was out. As quickly as you can flick a light switch, I was coming in and out the remainder of the day. The day was spent in a anesthesia/pain medication daze. 

The second day, Thursday the 7th, was the worst. I could feel the pain. Everything all around from the back to front of my chest was in pain. I needed help sitting up. Walking to and from the bathroom. I had extreme nausea and was experiencing dizziness.

It took me awhile to go pee. It is the strangest feeling to have to go to the bathroom and it won't come out. 

I was on IV antibiotic and a push button for pain, though I was trying to be tougher than I needed to be. My logic was that the pain button wouldn't be at home with me. In my mind, I felt I should just learn to cope with the pain. 

I kept asking the nurses and my mom, who stayed with me at the hospital, 

"Tomorrow will be better? Each day will get better?"

With their reassurance in this I began to tell myself this every morning and evening that passed.

On Friday the 8th, since I wasn't using my button as I should it was decided that I receive my pain medicine via IV. A larger dose was given more spread out. Friday was also the day the physical therapist came to get me out of bed to walk. Partly because I needed to help move the oxygen throughout my body to oxygenate the bruised areas on my chest. The other part I believe is related to some sort of medieval torturing these medical professionals must learn prior to obtaining their degrees. You must force your patient, who is in substantial amounts of pain to, "walk it off!" 

They loose a bit of the compassion when they are forcing you up and out to move around. It is like in the Lego movie when you have good cop and bad cop with the swirl of a cute little Lego head. Same applies when it comes to making you get out of bed at the hospital. Good nurse assures you that you are well, expresses that you need to rest and gives you proper dosage of medicines. Swirl of head and bad nurse is telling you to get out of bed and walk it off!

I did as I was told and walked. It actually felt good to be on my feet and moving around a bit. 

You really don't realize all the muscles required to move your arms and hands/upper torso until you can't use them.

At noon, I had a hyperbaric oxygen treatment. Which I will detail in my next post. It was interesting to say the least. The rest of my Friday was spent resting. After every dose of pain meds I would  experience a bad head rush and then be out like a light. 

Saturday the 9th, I was able to maneuver better on my own. Getting in and out of bed by myself. I needed less pain medicine and walked more. It was true, each day was getting better than the last. Later in the afternoon my doctor released me. Gave me 5 scripts, explained how not to move my arms and gave me a post op appointment.

I was released from the confinement of the hospital to my in laws because my littles were sick and have been well taken care of here with them ever since.

Yesterday, Wednesday the 13th was my post-op with the plastic surgeon. It was there the nurse removed one of my surgical drainage tubes. I took a 1/2  Xanax to prepare for, what I was told by many nurses, would feel discomfort but not pain. Lies!!!! She cut my sutures around the tubing, told me take a deep breathe and hold for a few seconds, and "shanananana!" 

That was literally my reaction. It felt like a rug burn/very stuck tape being ripped from inside my chest cavity. I could feel it clear across the top of my right breast. It was on fire and was indeed more than just discomfort!!! 

First the doctor tells me pre-op that the tubes are the size of spaghetti noodles. Lies! Spaghetti noodles on steroids would be a more accurate statement. Then they tell me I will experience "discomfort"! Lies!!

The one thing I can attest to is that she did it quick and the pain was short lived.

I have to keep my other drain until Monday. The left side is more bruised and swollen. At least I know what to expect come Monday.

Emotionally, I have been a mess quite honestly. My anxiety is very bad because all I have is time to think about what is happening in my life right now. I try to bid my time with sleep, books, movies and writing but that only helps so much. I am strong but even time gets to the strong. Time to wander in my thoughts can be a positive and healing thing but it also can be difficult and sad. With that said, every day does get better! I am still staying positive and trying not to harbor on the possibilities that lie ahead. Just one day at a time works for me. For now anyways. I am hopeful that I am experiencing the worst of all of this now.

Here's to hopeful thinking!

With Love & Hugs,

Heather 

Day Before

The day before my surgery:

I woke this morning to a nervous stomach. I am trying not to "think" too much because that is what gets me in trouble. My husband seems a little on edge today which I am breaking down to his nerves as well. 

Went to my pre-op appointment at the hospital. Waited while everyone's number got called. Sat there,reading, anxiously awaiting my turn. 

My turn. I go to registration and then I am taken to another waiting room. Luckily in this room I barely sat my tush down before being escorted to the radiology room. I signed consent forms and then there I am again in one of those super stylish - open at the front gowns. I am walked over to a tiny table that barely fits my body width. In walk 3 strangers in green scrubs, two men and a woman. They introduce themselves and explain that they will be watching from afar. The one man tells me my doctor (Surgical Oncologist) for tomorrow, is really great. That was comforting. The same man began to explain the radiologist will inject me on both sides with a numbing agent and then the radioactive fluid. It is similar to getting dental work done. I laughed and replied , "yes, except the injections are going into my nipples."

I wait a bit before the radiologist comes in. He cleans the area and then countdown. 3.2.1. I close my eyes and squeeze the techs hand in anticipation of pain. Barely felt it. Then the second injection. Some radioactive something or other that burned a little going in. Clean and repeat on the other side. It wasn't too bad at all. Next step was to be scanned by the MRI machine. After an hour lying with my hands over my head, the activation of the fluid they injected was complete. When the doctors open me up tomorrow morning I will "light up like the 4th of July." (Thank you Katy Perry.) 

We rush over to the next doctor, my plastic surgeon. Wait another hour. Once in the room the doctor asks if I have any questions concerning the reconstruction. He pulls out a blue surgical marker and draws his lines. I am now a walking Salvador Dali portrait. He snaps more photos and even sends them to my surgical oncologist. My husband was thrilled to get his homework assignment of tracing the lines before and after I shower. My doctors parting words are :

" now remember your first post-op think "funky"! 

"When you build a house you build the foundation which doesn't look that nice but before you know it you will have a tennis court and swimming pool."

Hmmm. Okay. So here is to my future swimming pool and taking up tennis.

With Hugs and Love,

Heather

How am I?

Gift from my dear friend Lindsay Joly @YouAreTheRoots.com-Shirt is from The Blue Envelope

 The question I keep getting is, "How are you feeling/doing?

What can I say about Cancer? So far, it more than sucks!

Before I knew I had cancer it was as though I was naive to cancer. Sure I "knew" about cancer. I have even lost a loved one because of it. However, it was a minuscule knowledge that I never really put thought into. One of those immortal teenage thoughts, "That could never happen to me!"
Just like right this minute there are people in this world being brought in and people being taken out. (Whoa. Sound a bit like a member of the Mafia, but you catch my drift, right?)  This is something that we all know but don't really "know" until we are in that specific moment in time and experiencing first hand that specific situation. Hence the whole, "Don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes," statement. I knew about cancer but didn't "know" until now. Even with that said I have heaps and mounds of information to upload into my brain about my Cancer.

I have spoken to several people since my diagnosis and almost every single person I have had conversations with have been affected by cancer in some way. I lately use the phrase, "My eyes are open." Now that my eyes are open I can very directly say, "cancer is some scary shit!" Not even searching the statistics via handy Google but merely talking about my personal situation and hearing all the people who can relate in some way! Now this has me thinking, "This is bat shit crazy!"

As my co-worker would say, "shit just got real!" In my life it sure as hell has. 

I am eyes wide open now. I  used to kind of joke when someone would say, " that gives you or causes cancer." Replying very generally, " everything causes cancer. It is just the amount of time it takes them to figure it out."  The joke is on me! 

So how AM I doing?  The answer is, I honestly don't know. I feel like I am okay. Not okay with the fact that I have cancer. Not acceptance at 100%. More like okay that I have come to terms and just want to move ahead. Learn what my next step is and take it. Try not to "think" too much. Then on the flip when I think about what I have just typed I think that maybe I am just too good at protecting myself. Maybe my guard is always going to one up me and naturally take action prior to my giving the go ahead. Truth is, being diagnosed with cancer is similar to what I'd imagine being jabbed in the face with a large punching glove at incredible speed but set on slow pace ( for dramatic effect ) would feel like. Mostly because a person typically doesn't go throughout life in anticipation of being diagnosed with a serious condition of ANY sort. People "know" they shouldn't do certain things. We as humans continue our habitual lifestyles until we have a brush encounter with potentially life altering problems. Then we KNOW. It is in the moment that we are presented a curve ball that conflicts with our comfy habitual routine that we come to terms with what we thought we knew. Hopefully, at this point you still have time. Another opportunity to become aware and wiser. Better and stronger.

 I am, on most days, okay. I am not in a dark haze of depression. I am not fearfully awaiting my death. I am not struggling to get out of bed in the mornings or struggling to take care of the needs of my family. I am choosing to be optimistic. There are moments that I dive dangerously into thick thoughts but only for mere seconds or minutes before realizing those thoughts will not and are not helping me. I am scared. I am worried. I am still in bewilderment. I have received so much love from family, friends, strangers that my heart could literally explode in a beautiful way. With all of these positive messages of hope and love I feel blessed and grateful in a way I have never felt in my life. Yet, it doesn't come without a stab of reality for my situation. It is as though all the support I am receiving is making this more real than I have allowed myself to truly believe. If that even makes any sense at all. Almost as though for each person sending love, hope & strength my way, my heart is filled a little more but forced to release a little bit of the pain in my soul. Just little by little seeping out the emotions that I haven't truly allowed myself to experience. Perhaps to make more room for all the love I am receiving. Maybe because if I were to let the guard down I may literally flood myself with emotions and could quite possibly drown in them.The only thing I could remotely compare this feeling to is that sensation you get when you hit your "funny bone." Not so funny. It is like a total mind fuck. You want to laugh but cry at the same exact time. Which I am pretty sure sends crossed signals to your brain leaving you completely confused which is why you neither laugh nor cry but end up making awkward face contortions along with some interesting noises. I am abundantly filled with Love by family, friends and even strangers. I am finding strength in the words of others when I am unable to locate mine. I am staying optimistic as it is my truest nature and best habit. I am keeping busy to keep the thick thoughts at bay. I am living, breathing, feeling, loving and being loved. And as Pitbull would say, "Every day above ground is a good day remember that."

WTF State of Mind

Hello World. Hello friends, family, acquaintances, strangers, blog world. My name is Heather. It would be much simpler to say I am your average, normal 31 year old woman. However, that would be a lie. Not just for me to say about myself but for anyone to say about themselves. None of us are "Normal"! What does that even mean? We are all unique right down to the DNA that our bodies are made of. So let me begin again. I am a 31 year old woman. A mother of two beautifully tenacious littles under the age of 5, a wife, a pretty amazing and loyal friend (if I say so myself), honest and caring person, sensitive to a fault, insecure at times and quirky to name a few attributes. I am by no means perfect nor do I strive to be. I am human. I live modestly but dream enormously. I believe myself to be pretty happy and optimistic in nature. I try to see the good in every situation because we each have our own past, present and future to which we walk our separate paths. Why focus on the negative?  So much negativity surrounds our days and most is out of our control. Why give it more power over myself thus replacing the positive and draining my spirit. This doesn't make sense to me. With that said. Not everything is sunny in Philadelphia! (I don't live in Philadelphia just thought Id make light of a situation and reference a TV show that I have actually never even seen). I don't walk around pooping skittles. I make an active and conscious decision to be happy. Well, as happy as I can be in any situation. My thought is that it takes far more energy to be in negative spirits than positive spirits. Now that you know a teeny bit about me I would like to share more. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my posts. For me, writing is therapy for life. I am sharing my journey because I believe that I can help someone somewhere who is reading. I am happy to share my journey because in doing so I am helping myself and hopefully someone else out there.If you are here for the first time, welcome. I invite you all to join me in what was first my journey as a mother of two but has recently turned into in my journey with Breast Cancer.

On April 2, 2015 I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. My cancer is a moderately aggressive type of cancer.The doctors believe it to be stage 1 or stage 2 and have stated that we have caught it early. How did this happen? How did I get to where I am at now?

Near the end of January 2015 I was having shooting pains in my right breast. They were extremely uncomfortable and caused me to take notice of my breast. One evening while showering I decided to feel around to see if there were any noticeable reason why my breast would be having this on and off again shooting pain. That is when I found it. Right above my nipple, just outside the areola I felt a small pea sized pellet that was hard. I had never felt anything in my breast before. I felt the left to try to find similarities and there were none. I called my husband in to access the situation (Big problem for him, right?!) and he too began to worry a bit. Within a few days from noticing the small lump I made a call into my GYN. An appointment was made and I was checked. My GYN consensus was that he felt this was nothing to be too concerned with. He still wanted me to have a mammogram and ultrasound done to ease my mind and just be 100% certain.

February 4, 2015 I went in to have my very first mammogram and ultrasound of my breasts. I was nervous and though I had heard what to expect as well as seen on television, I was still anxious. I was brought into a dressing room with lockers to change into my gown. With only my panties and this thin hospital gown I walked into the freezing x-ray room. Making an uncomfortable situation even more uncomfortable! In this room, the technician placed a marker sticker on the area where the lump was. Then she maneuvered my breast as though they were each a separate clump of modeling clay. She adjusted and squished away. I talked anxiously and the technician continued the molding and positioning. The experience was not painful but it was uncomfortable, especially on the right side where the lump was. The technician, plopped, flattened, adjusted and twisted my body to specifications of the machine and radiologists request. The images were electronically sent to the radiologist. I thought I was done as I was sitting while the technician typed back and fourth with the radiologist who was working at a nearby hospital. I thought I was in the clear and then the radiologist requested an additional view. That was completed and then I was taken to another room for the ultrasound. Yet again, I showed my goodies to another person. The technician did her thing and a  few moments after I received a call from the radiologist at the hospital who was reading the results. The radiologist stated that her job is to find/look for obvious cancer. Did she think this is cancer, no BUT wanted me to follow up with a breast specialist to have a better exam and opinion. The radiologists did not feel comfortable letting it go and blowing this pea size hard nodule in my right breast off as nothing to be of any concern. I asked if it could be a cyst and she said no immediately. I left feeling confused because if this was not cancer then why was I being recommended to see a specialist.

*Side Note: I had been telling my husband that I just haven't felt "right." I couldn't put a finger on exactly what it was but know my body and knew something was off. I kept saying since early January that I needed to see my internal physician and have labs done. I thought maybe my cholesterol was high or I had some strange infection I may not have known about. I had been lethargic and falling asleep when I put the littles to bed every night for weeks. My blood work only showed low iron, which explained the lethargic evenings. My optimistic side was thrilled that I didn't have to go on a diet due to high cholesterol and only required prenatal vitamins for the lack of iron. After the mammogram I felt in my gut that this was not good. Something was wrong but I wanted so badly to believe otherwise.*

My Biopsy was performed on March 25, 2015 in an out patient surgical center. I was cut open and a sample of my tumor was taken for pathology testing. I was in at 7:45am and out the door heading to First Watch to eat at around 11:00am. I was a nervous wreck. I had my usual anxious tremors. (My body shakes as though I am in freezing cold weather conditions). The procedure was going to be a local anesthesia with some sleep daze reinforcements. Once they were privileged to experience my anxiety in action, it was decided to keep me asleep for the duration of the procedure. I remember the anesthesiologist saying,
"Okay Heather, I began your cocktail. You will probably start to feel sleepy soon."
BAM! Next thing I am hearing,
"Alright Heather you are all done."
The Physician who completed my biopsy felt that my lump was going to be a fibroid. He even went so far as to tell my husband after the biopsy that he felt this was going to be the case. We both left feeling more relieved than we had in the last few weeks leading up to Biopsy day. My results were due to be back within 10 days and my post op appointment was scheduled for April 7, 2015.

On April 2, 2015 I was working when I  received a phone call from the doctor's office. It was the assistant stating that the doctor was going to be out of the office the following week when my appointment was scheduled, could I come into the office today? I explained I was working and asked what time? She replied, "Anytime. Please explain to your boss that your doctor needs to see you today. It is important."
I nearly passed out right then and there. Immediately my pulse somehow increased and decreased simultaneously. I was feeling sick to my stomach and knew something wasn't good. I looked over at my co-worker and remember saying, "I am nervous. This probably isn't good news."
With approval I left and headed to his office.
My husband was at home sick so I didn't want to call him to let him know. I wanted to get the news, whatever it was, by myself. The idea behind this was to be able to process the news myself first before sharing. I just kinda work that way. I tend to not show my emotions to anyone very often. I guess my way of protecting or guarding myself. A defense mechanism, I suppose.
On my way I began driving down the highway jamming out to music and singing along in a desperate attempt to avoid my thoughts from wandering. As I drove closer to the office I stopped the music and began singing to myself:

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be okay
no matter good or bad
You're gonna make it through the day

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be okay
no matter good or bad
You're gonna smile anyway

Funny because I made this up on my way in the silence of the car. I have often made up silly songs for my littles but never anything to help soothe my nerves.

I arrive at the office and go into the room. While I am nervously awaiting, I hear the doctor in the room next door as he says, "Schedule your appointment for next week."
I immediately think what the hell, I thought he was out of the office next week?!
Funny how you can "Know" what the outcome of a situation will be but still it doesn't compute to your brain. In reality you don't "know" a damn thing!

The doctor walked in, checked my incision and said, "Heather, I'm sorry to tell you. Your test came back positive. You have Breast Cancer."
I asked if this was a joke and if he was kidding. I broke down a bit, recomposed myself, broke down again to recompose again. When a medical professional says, " I am sorry to inform you that your test results came back positive. You have Breast Cancer." The world does not stop, but your world does. At least this was my experience. From the moment I heard those words I went numb. I didn't hear a thing he was saying afterwards. I was angry, scared, in denial, sad, numb and literally thought I was going to die all in the same instance. The only things that filled my world were a flood of emotions. How? What? Why? When? At 31!?  I could only think about my littles and my husband. What would happen to them? Was I going to die? How was I going to deal with this? Was I strong enough?
I walked out feeling confused and more alone than I have ever felt in my life. Trust me. I went through angry teenage angst and depressed years.This is far worse. I was in a WTF state of mind!
As I drove, I cried. At one point I even laughed similar to that of a crazy person you see portrayed in the movies. I cried some more. Then I called my husband to break the news to him. I cried some more. I composed myself and was in a daze. I headed back to work because I didn't want to sit around all afternoon sobbing and feeling sorry for myself. (Although, in all actuality if my husband were at work I may have done exactly that). I went back to work and my co-workers asked how I was and I lost my composure for a bit. It is similar to adding salt to a wound when someone asks me if I am okay when I am not. I couldn't help the tears that were pooling from my eyes behind my sunglasses but I did what I always do. Composed myself and continued my work day.

The week of April 13 - 17 I met with my first Oncologist, the Surgical Oncologist, Plastic Surgeon and cardiologist. It was a very informative week. I now feel empowered because I am more knowledgeable about my cancer. I have a course of action and feel I am on the right path. Though I have on a brave face I am terrified inside. I am not the person who will cry and feel sorry for myself but I will grieve in my own time on my terms. I feel as though I haven't been able to process this whole situation. Between work, the littles and household responsibilities it leaves very little time. This is probably good, for the mean time anyways. I do feel I need to pencil in time to myself so that I can digest all of this. Hopefully giving me a better state of mind and preventing a nervous breakdown later. Everything is on speed dial now.

May 6, 2015 I will undergo a bilateral mastectomy with the beginnings of reconstruction. I do not know whether I will need chemo or radiology. I will know more once the pathology results are released and I meet with my treating oncologist. I do know that they are treating my case very aggressively and I am on board with this. I do know that I am young, have a husband and two littles who need me. I do know that I may not know the reason behind why I am going through this but am confident that whatever the reason it is for a greater purpose. I know I am strong and have lived a life filled with moments of turbulence. I know I am stronger and wiser than before because of them.I know that though the name of the cancer is the same for woman across the country, the battle is unique to each one of them. I know that I have the fight and I just have to keep it in my pocket for the days I'll require the extra punch. I know that most of what makes life so beautiful are the challenges a person is presented with and how they overcome them. In this journey, I know now that I am not alone. My only hope is that I can maintain this knowledge throughout my journey.

With Hugs and Love,
Heather