WTF State of Mind

Hello World. Hello friends, family, acquaintances, strangers, blog world. My name is Heather. It would be much simpler to say I am your average, normal 31 year old woman. However, that would be a lie. Not just for me to say about myself but for anyone to say about themselves. None of us are "Normal"! What does that even mean? We are all unique right down to the DNA that our bodies are made of. So let me begin again. I am a 31 year old woman. A mother of two beautifully tenacious littles under the age of 5, a wife, a pretty amazing and loyal friend (if I say so myself), honest and caring person, sensitive to a fault, insecure at times and quirky to name a few attributes. I am by no means perfect nor do I strive to be. I am human. I live modestly but dream enormously. I believe myself to be pretty happy and optimistic in nature. I try to see the good in every situation because we each have our own past, present and future to which we walk our separate paths. Why focus on the negative?  So much negativity surrounds our days and most is out of our control. Why give it more power over myself thus replacing the positive and draining my spirit. This doesn't make sense to me. With that said. Not everything is sunny in Philadelphia! (I don't live in Philadelphia just thought Id make light of a situation and reference a TV show that I have actually never even seen). I don't walk around pooping skittles. I make an active and conscious decision to be happy. Well, as happy as I can be in any situation. My thought is that it takes far more energy to be in negative spirits than positive spirits. Now that you know a teeny bit about me I would like to share more. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my posts. For me, writing is therapy for life. I am sharing my journey because I believe that I can help someone somewhere who is reading. I am happy to share my journey because in doing so I am helping myself and hopefully someone else out there.If you are here for the first time, welcome. I invite you all to join me in what was first my journey as a mother of two but has recently turned into in my journey with Breast Cancer.

On April 2, 2015 I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. My cancer is a moderately aggressive type of cancer.The doctors believe it to be stage 1 or stage 2 and have stated that we have caught it early. How did this happen? How did I get to where I am at now?

Near the end of January 2015 I was having shooting pains in my right breast. They were extremely uncomfortable and caused me to take notice of my breast. One evening while showering I decided to feel around to see if there were any noticeable reason why my breast would be having this on and off again shooting pain. That is when I found it. Right above my nipple, just outside the areola I felt a small pea sized pellet that was hard. I had never felt anything in my breast before. I felt the left to try to find similarities and there were none. I called my husband in to access the situation (Big problem for him, right?!) and he too began to worry a bit. Within a few days from noticing the small lump I made a call into my GYN. An appointment was made and I was checked. My GYN consensus was that he felt this was nothing to be too concerned with. He still wanted me to have a mammogram and ultrasound done to ease my mind and just be 100% certain.

February 4, 2015 I went in to have my very first mammogram and ultrasound of my breasts. I was nervous and though I had heard what to expect as well as seen on television, I was still anxious. I was brought into a dressing room with lockers to change into my gown. With only my panties and this thin hospital gown I walked into the freezing x-ray room. Making an uncomfortable situation even more uncomfortable! In this room, the technician placed a marker sticker on the area where the lump was. Then she maneuvered my breast as though they were each a separate clump of modeling clay. She adjusted and squished away. I talked anxiously and the technician continued the molding and positioning. The experience was not painful but it was uncomfortable, especially on the right side where the lump was. The technician, plopped, flattened, adjusted and twisted my body to specifications of the machine and radiologists request. The images were electronically sent to the radiologist. I thought I was done as I was sitting while the technician typed back and fourth with the radiologist who was working at a nearby hospital. I thought I was in the clear and then the radiologist requested an additional view. That was completed and then I was taken to another room for the ultrasound. Yet again, I showed my goodies to another person. The technician did her thing and a  few moments after I received a call from the radiologist at the hospital who was reading the results. The radiologist stated that her job is to find/look for obvious cancer. Did she think this is cancer, no BUT wanted me to follow up with a breast specialist to have a better exam and opinion. The radiologists did not feel comfortable letting it go and blowing this pea size hard nodule in my right breast off as nothing to be of any concern. I asked if it could be a cyst and she said no immediately. I left feeling confused because if this was not cancer then why was I being recommended to see a specialist.

*Side Note: I had been telling my husband that I just haven't felt "right." I couldn't put a finger on exactly what it was but know my body and knew something was off. I kept saying since early January that I needed to see my internal physician and have labs done. I thought maybe my cholesterol was high or I had some strange infection I may not have known about. I had been lethargic and falling asleep when I put the littles to bed every night for weeks. My blood work only showed low iron, which explained the lethargic evenings. My optimistic side was thrilled that I didn't have to go on a diet due to high cholesterol and only required prenatal vitamins for the lack of iron. After the mammogram I felt in my gut that this was not good. Something was wrong but I wanted so badly to believe otherwise.*

My Biopsy was performed on March 25, 2015 in an out patient surgical center. I was cut open and a sample of my tumor was taken for pathology testing. I was in at 7:45am and out the door heading to First Watch to eat at around 11:00am. I was a nervous wreck. I had my usual anxious tremors. (My body shakes as though I am in freezing cold weather conditions). The procedure was going to be a local anesthesia with some sleep daze reinforcements. Once they were privileged to experience my anxiety in action, it was decided to keep me asleep for the duration of the procedure. I remember the anesthesiologist saying,
"Okay Heather, I began your cocktail. You will probably start to feel sleepy soon."
BAM! Next thing I am hearing,
"Alright Heather you are all done."
The Physician who completed my biopsy felt that my lump was going to be a fibroid. He even went so far as to tell my husband after the biopsy that he felt this was going to be the case. We both left feeling more relieved than we had in the last few weeks leading up to Biopsy day. My results were due to be back within 10 days and my post op appointment was scheduled for April 7, 2015.

On April 2, 2015 I was working when I  received a phone call from the doctor's office. It was the assistant stating that the doctor was going to be out of the office the following week when my appointment was scheduled, could I come into the office today? I explained I was working and asked what time? She replied, "Anytime. Please explain to your boss that your doctor needs to see you today. It is important."
I nearly passed out right then and there. Immediately my pulse somehow increased and decreased simultaneously. I was feeling sick to my stomach and knew something wasn't good. I looked over at my co-worker and remember saying, "I am nervous. This probably isn't good news."
With approval I left and headed to his office.
My husband was at home sick so I didn't want to call him to let him know. I wanted to get the news, whatever it was, by myself. The idea behind this was to be able to process the news myself first before sharing. I just kinda work that way. I tend to not show my emotions to anyone very often. I guess my way of protecting or guarding myself. A defense mechanism, I suppose.
On my way I began driving down the highway jamming out to music and singing along in a desperate attempt to avoid my thoughts from wandering. As I drove closer to the office I stopped the music and began singing to myself:

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be okay
no matter good or bad
You're gonna make it through the day

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be okay
no matter good or bad
You're gonna smile anyway

Funny because I made this up on my way in the silence of the car. I have often made up silly songs for my littles but never anything to help soothe my nerves.

I arrive at the office and go into the room. While I am nervously awaiting, I hear the doctor in the room next door as he says, "Schedule your appointment for next week."
I immediately think what the hell, I thought he was out of the office next week?!
Funny how you can "Know" what the outcome of a situation will be but still it doesn't compute to your brain. In reality you don't "know" a damn thing!

The doctor walked in, checked my incision and said, "Heather, I'm sorry to tell you. Your test came back positive. You have Breast Cancer."
I asked if this was a joke and if he was kidding. I broke down a bit, recomposed myself, broke down again to recompose again. When a medical professional says, " I am sorry to inform you that your test results came back positive. You have Breast Cancer." The world does not stop, but your world does. At least this was my experience. From the moment I heard those words I went numb. I didn't hear a thing he was saying afterwards. I was angry, scared, in denial, sad, numb and literally thought I was going to die all in the same instance. The only things that filled my world were a flood of emotions. How? What? Why? When? At 31!?  I could only think about my littles and my husband. What would happen to them? Was I going to die? How was I going to deal with this? Was I strong enough?
I walked out feeling confused and more alone than I have ever felt in my life. Trust me. I went through angry teenage angst and depressed years.This is far worse. I was in a WTF state of mind!
As I drove, I cried. At one point I even laughed similar to that of a crazy person you see portrayed in the movies. I cried some more. Then I called my husband to break the news to him. I cried some more. I composed myself and was in a daze. I headed back to work because I didn't want to sit around all afternoon sobbing and feeling sorry for myself. (Although, in all actuality if my husband were at work I may have done exactly that). I went back to work and my co-workers asked how I was and I lost my composure for a bit. It is similar to adding salt to a wound when someone asks me if I am okay when I am not. I couldn't help the tears that were pooling from my eyes behind my sunglasses but I did what I always do. Composed myself and continued my work day.

The week of April 13 - 17 I met with my first Oncologist, the Surgical Oncologist, Plastic Surgeon and cardiologist. It was a very informative week. I now feel empowered because I am more knowledgeable about my cancer. I have a course of action and feel I am on the right path. Though I have on a brave face I am terrified inside. I am not the person who will cry and feel sorry for myself but I will grieve in my own time on my terms. I feel as though I haven't been able to process this whole situation. Between work, the littles and household responsibilities it leaves very little time. This is probably good, for the mean time anyways. I do feel I need to pencil in time to myself so that I can digest all of this. Hopefully giving me a better state of mind and preventing a nervous breakdown later. Everything is on speed dial now.

May 6, 2015 I will undergo a bilateral mastectomy with the beginnings of reconstruction. I do not know whether I will need chemo or radiology. I will know more once the pathology results are released and I meet with my treating oncologist. I do know that they are treating my case very aggressively and I am on board with this. I do know that I am young, have a husband and two littles who need me. I do know that I may not know the reason behind why I am going through this but am confident that whatever the reason it is for a greater purpose. I know I am strong and have lived a life filled with moments of turbulence. I know I am stronger and wiser than before because of them.I know that though the name of the cancer is the same for woman across the country, the battle is unique to each one of them. I know that I have the fight and I just have to keep it in my pocket for the days I'll require the extra punch. I know that most of what makes life so beautiful are the challenges a person is presented with and how they overcome them. In this journey, I know now that I am not alone. My only hope is that I can maintain this knowledge throughout my journey.

With Hugs and Love,
Heather