How am I?

Gift from my dear friend Lindsay Joly @YouAreTheRoots.com-Shirt is from The Blue Envelope

 The question I keep getting is, "How are you feeling/doing?

What can I say about Cancer? So far, it more than sucks!

Before I knew I had cancer it was as though I was naive to cancer. Sure I "knew" about cancer. I have even lost a loved one because of it. However, it was a minuscule knowledge that I never really put thought into. One of those immortal teenage thoughts, "That could never happen to me!"
Just like right this minute there are people in this world being brought in and people being taken out. (Whoa. Sound a bit like a member of the Mafia, but you catch my drift, right?)  This is something that we all know but don't really "know" until we are in that specific moment in time and experiencing first hand that specific situation. Hence the whole, "Don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes," statement. I knew about cancer but didn't "know" until now. Even with that said I have heaps and mounds of information to upload into my brain about my Cancer.

I have spoken to several people since my diagnosis and almost every single person I have had conversations with have been affected by cancer in some way. I lately use the phrase, "My eyes are open." Now that my eyes are open I can very directly say, "cancer is some scary shit!" Not even searching the statistics via handy Google but merely talking about my personal situation and hearing all the people who can relate in some way! Now this has me thinking, "This is bat shit crazy!"

As my co-worker would say, "shit just got real!" In my life it sure as hell has. 

I am eyes wide open now. I  used to kind of joke when someone would say, " that gives you or causes cancer." Replying very generally, " everything causes cancer. It is just the amount of time it takes them to figure it out."  The joke is on me! 

So how AM I doing?  The answer is, I honestly don't know. I feel like I am okay. Not okay with the fact that I have cancer. Not acceptance at 100%. More like okay that I have come to terms and just want to move ahead. Learn what my next step is and take it. Try not to "think" too much. Then on the flip when I think about what I have just typed I think that maybe I am just too good at protecting myself. Maybe my guard is always going to one up me and naturally take action prior to my giving the go ahead. Truth is, being diagnosed with cancer is similar to what I'd imagine being jabbed in the face with a large punching glove at incredible speed but set on slow pace ( for dramatic effect ) would feel like. Mostly because a person typically doesn't go throughout life in anticipation of being diagnosed with a serious condition of ANY sort. People "know" they shouldn't do certain things. We as humans continue our habitual lifestyles until we have a brush encounter with potentially life altering problems. Then we KNOW. It is in the moment that we are presented a curve ball that conflicts with our comfy habitual routine that we come to terms with what we thought we knew. Hopefully, at this point you still have time. Another opportunity to become aware and wiser. Better and stronger.

 I am, on most days, okay. I am not in a dark haze of depression. I am not fearfully awaiting my death. I am not struggling to get out of bed in the mornings or struggling to take care of the needs of my family. I am choosing to be optimistic. There are moments that I dive dangerously into thick thoughts but only for mere seconds or minutes before realizing those thoughts will not and are not helping me. I am scared. I am worried. I am still in bewilderment. I have received so much love from family, friends, strangers that my heart could literally explode in a beautiful way. With all of these positive messages of hope and love I feel blessed and grateful in a way I have never felt in my life. Yet, it doesn't come without a stab of reality for my situation. It is as though all the support I am receiving is making this more real than I have allowed myself to truly believe. If that even makes any sense at all. Almost as though for each person sending love, hope & strength my way, my heart is filled a little more but forced to release a little bit of the pain in my soul. Just little by little seeping out the emotions that I haven't truly allowed myself to experience. Perhaps to make more room for all the love I am receiving. Maybe because if I were to let the guard down I may literally flood myself with emotions and could quite possibly drown in them.The only thing I could remotely compare this feeling to is that sensation you get when you hit your "funny bone." Not so funny. It is like a total mind fuck. You want to laugh but cry at the same exact time. Which I am pretty sure sends crossed signals to your brain leaving you completely confused which is why you neither laugh nor cry but end up making awkward face contortions along with some interesting noises. I am abundantly filled with Love by family, friends and even strangers. I am finding strength in the words of others when I am unable to locate mine. I am staying optimistic as it is my truest nature and best habit. I am keeping busy to keep the thick thoughts at bay. I am living, breathing, feeling, loving and being loved. And as Pitbull would say, "Every day above ground is a good day remember that."