And Then My Name Was MAMA: Our Little Starr

Grayson was around 16 Months old when I found out I was pregnant again. To my surprise it was around October 5 2012 when I took the pregnancy test at 5:13am and confirmed I was indeed going to have baby number 2. Now I was a bit conflicted because Grayson was my whole world. He was still nursing (My cut off was age 2) and still needed so much of Mama. I immediately began to worry about how I would manage the two children and make sure that each of them received the exact amount of love from me that they deserve.

We announced via text message and photo of first ultrasound, " Baby number 2 is in the Womb."
With Grayson we announced to the family during our Thanksgiving prayer.

Right away I knew as with my son, that I was going to have a girl this time around. With both of my pregnancies it was just an intuitive thing. However, before taking the pregnancy test this time around I had a dream. About a week prior to taking the test I had a dream that I was in a hospital delivery bed and the nurse handed me a baby girl first and then a boy. At the beginning I thought I was going to have twins, but my dream was just symbolism for having a baby girl and already having my sweet baby boy.

The second time around I was more stressed out for sure. My husband and I went thru some very difficult times, had a huge mold issue in our rental and had to not only throw away just about everything we owned, but had to move as well. Now, when your credit is ...let's just say, less than ideal..it is very very hard to get into a rental. We looked for months before finally by the grace of this woman's kindness, got into a rental. It is a 1/1 apartment, but a roof over our heads and no toxic MOLD. The most heart breaking thing after going thru this horrible situation was not fighting for some kind of retribution for our stuff, trying to find a way to have the real estate office handling this property be of some account responsible for the whole issue, fighting tooth and nail to obtain our deposits back from the real estate company/owner and the condo association, having to stay with my in laws in their 55 and up community for two weeks while looking desperately for a new place, but having to get rid of ALL of Graysons things. I know in my heart that he will know no different and toys are really not what's important at all, BUT most of the items were brand new he had just received from Christmas, almost all his baby stuff we were going to use for our new addition. It was heart breaking.

So, this time around my pregnancy was very different from my first. I was sick - only actually got sick one time due to a massive migraine, but nauseous beyond belief every day for the first 6 weeks or longer. I was uncomfortable sleeping, had hot flashes, back aches, sciatic pain, leg pain from a pinched nerve, Heart burn, gas (thankfully of the silent kind, but still pretty toxic) , and started showing very early on in my first month. The great news this time around was that I was having a healthy normal pregnancy. Now, this means only ...oh about 2 or 3 ultra sounds total. I never knew whether she was okay in my stomach. With Grayson I had ultrasounds weekly. This put my mind at ease. Naturally with Starr I really had to go solely based on her very infrequent movements. Again, Grayson moved around in my tummy like a break dancer! Starr was a lot less active, but often had the hiccups. I was always nervous of how she was doing in my tummy. During my whole pregnancy I was stressed, feeling guilty because I hadn't documented like my first, and often had to remind myself that I was pregnant. I was terrified that this was setting the tone for my love for her already.

At 39 weeks on May 31, 2013 I had a repeat c-section with tubal ligation. Her actual due date was on Graysons Birthday June 8th but we didn't want to have her on that same day so the doctor said he could push it up to the 31st. I was so nervous this time around. Probably because I knew what was going to happen. I was not as ignorant to the whole experience this time around. We delivered Starr at Memorial West. I had a great anesthesiologist but the numbness was more prominent on one side from the spinal so she had to tip the table to the right for the drugs to move more to that side. In walks my doctor, and to my surprise the other doctor in the practice. Now this time when the doc said pressure, I sure as heck felt it. It took my breathe away. Now, no pain was felt, but pressure...YES!!! Holy Heck it was like the Hulk was tugging at my insides. I also strangely felt some tugging during the hole tie, clip burn of my precious fertility. At 11:03 am our beautiful Starr was welcomed into this chaotic world. She weighed in at 6 lbs 9 oz and was 18 inches. This time I got to hold her and even got to attempt a nursing.This was very strange to have a nurse squeeze at my nipple and tell me how, "Taught" my breast are....Just strange but it was so great to be able to see her and hold her. Despite my worries, I immediately fell in love.

I was able to have Starr in my room and care for her during my healing at the hospital. This was very new to my husband and I. We also had the whole responsibility of the umbilical cord which we didn't have with Grayson. It was really like we were experiencing this whole parenting thing for the first time. My recovery this time was a lot more difficult. I had EXTREME Gas Pains... I had a hard time moving and they even moved up into my shoulder. Also, that extremely uncomfortable pinched nerve I had experienced in my leg during the majority of my pregnancy was back but a thousand times more intense. Now, if you have experienced a C-Section you know that the nurses tell you that, "there is not much they can do for your agonizingly uncomfortable gas pains."
"You simply need to get up and get moving. "
This time around I had no choice but to move. Also, I refused to take the narcotic offered because I didn't want to be out of it while taking care of Starr. Maybe that would have helped with my discomfort. On the other hand...get ready...another bathroom diaries moment.... I was extremely happy to be able to have my first BM without the help of a nurse administered suppository this time around. Yay for me!

Starr and I were released back into the wild at around 10pm on June 2nd. I must say that having 2 children very close together is a lot more challenging than I thought. People have asked me the question, as I have asked others before, " Do you love one more than the other." My answer to this question is this. I do not love one more than the other by any means. My son had a very different experience early in life and I will always have a special place in my heart for him. He is my first baby and there is something about your first that is irreplaceable. As with Many "FIRSTS" in life. My daughter is just as important to me and I love her with as much love as I do Grayson. Starr has another place in my heart. It is not the same at all. I would be lying if I said that it is. It is just different. It is as though your heart expands and gets just a little bit bigger to make room for a whole new love experience. The only clear way to describe it is, you don't love your parents like you love your husband, or your children like you love your husband. You don't love your sibling like you love your friend. There are many many different types of love in this world and the human heart is capable of having space for all the LOVES you choose to acquire in your life.

A little extra - Why we chose the name Starr. Well, we had gone thru several names, Zooey, Chloe, Phoenix etc. We were pretty set on Zooey because of its meaning and it is a fun name. Then one day my husband comes home from work and says, "What about Starr Olivia Lopez?"
I fell in love with the name instantly. I loved how it flowed together. So then my husband said,
"Her initials would be SOL."
I replied dumbfounded, "Um..Yeah."
He then went on to say, "Sh*! out of Luck!"
He said she will be SOL. Then, being as I am optimistic, I turned it around and said, "No. She can tell all those boys that they are SOL!"
In all actuality seeing as where my husband and I were in life when she was carried in the womb the initials truly are suiting. After seeing her for the first time despite what other opinions are out there, she truly looks like a Starr.

It is hard to believe I have survived a month of No SLEEP!! Our little Starr is healthy, beautiful, strong, and loved. She is already a Month old and though it is pretty tough to manage both of my children's needs at one time. I would never trade my life or this experience for the world. At the end of the day with tantrums, jealous bouts, Mama break downs, no sleep, dirty dishes, no energy, and constant crying. It is the Love that we give and receive that makes all the difficult times worth while. Those sweet hugs and kisses from Grayson to Baby Starr, the little beginnings of a smile from Starr, the relief of my husband walking thru the door in the afternoon, and just the Love that surrounds us that is most important.