Staying at home is a luxury in the sense of time. Time with my littles was invaluable and something that when involved, you never want to let pass you by. When gone, you wish you could grab hold to and keep forever. It was a sacrifice in our household on one income. What that meant for my littles was a lot of low cost or free activities. For me? Not being able to have and do as much or even at times anything. The beauty is that I was more than okay with that scenario. It's simple. I was able to see my littles have their "firsts" and I got to see the glimmer in their eyes when daddy would walk in the door. I was able to be a very involved, hands on, extreme helicopter mom who was a huge part in their growth process.
On the household end, our house was always clean, laundry done, sink empty and dinner ready when my hubster got home. This wasn't because I am perfect in any way because I know some of you moms would judge me in your heads while reading this. It's okay. It's human nature. I get it.
I blame my mother! I was always cleaning for chores when I was younger. Since the age of 9 or 10. So keeping things clean, picked up and put away is embedded in my blood. A bit of an ocd habit I've carried along with me.
The worst days being home were when I was sick. Every cry and little need of my littles took more than the amount of energy I had to satisfy. Also, overtime I became desperate for adult interaction and time to myself. I wasn't getting a lot of that because let's be real. When you have play dates and meet other mommies what do you talk about???! Usually your littles and parenting which as a stay at home mom is what you eat breathe and probably expel in some way.
I have met some amazing mommy friends BUT I have also met some judgmental moms who are just NOT NICE!
Eventually, I began taking one night a month to myself to have a moms night as my darling husband encouraged. At first, I felt guilty for going, being excited for the much needed break, leaving my littles behind and my husband having responsibility after he had been working all day. I simply felt that I was being selfish and my needs needn't dare come before my littles or my husbsters!!!
I slowly broke this cycle. The evil cycle of mommy guilt.
After 3 years of being at home and being blessed to experience motherhood in such a wonderfully consuming way... I went back to work.
This was a struggle for me because I wasn't ready emotionally to "allow" someone else to watch my littles.
Take that time from me!
I was terrified of giving up that control. At home I knew I was keeping them safe and there was never a doubt about that! They were with me and I am their mother. The safest place in the world they could be.
Take that time from me!
I was terrified of giving up that control. At home I knew I was keeping them safe and there was never a doubt about that! They were with me and I am their mother. The safest place in the world they could be.
Psychologically, I needed work again. Socially, I needed to have conversations that consisted of more than diapers, growth spurts, milestones, etc. Emotionally, I needed to feel as though I had achieved something during my day.
So.......I went back to work full time. My littles are in care from 7am-6pm!!! Monday- Friday! It has been 4 months and I still am uncomfortable and a little apprehensive when dropping them off. The first month was the worst! Grayson crying every morning when he would wake just knowing he would be at school all day and not with mommy, clinging to my leg when I dropped him off & his sister Starr, after catching on , doing the same. It was heart breaking! All I could think about was what their little heads were thinking. Were they scared and feeling abandoned? Are they going to think I didn't want to be with them? Then my thoughts. Will they be hurt? Are they being treated kindly? Who are these people watching my littles...really? Will they learn or just be watched? Etc. The doubt and questions go on and on.
Now, as a working mom,I still have mommy guilt. The guilt of dropping them off every morning. The guilt of enjoying work. Now with a second income I am able to do more socially, as a family and I don't have to sacrifice as much. On the flip side, my sacrifices still exist but are different. I now sacrifice my time with my littles which work has replaced. I sacrifice my clean household because time does not exist. (The hell if I am going to clean the house after working an 8 hour day-when the little window of opportunity I have before my littles bedtime can be spent spending time with them!) I sacrifice spending time at play dates and out with mommy friends for work happy hours, work friends and moms nights! I wake up and feel more fulfilled. I have purpose that extends being a wife and a mom. I now have a responsibility to my employer to uphold. I feel in a sense a little more well rounded, if you will.
In my experience being a working mom now is different than a stay at home mom but by no means better or worse. I still have people who place judgement on me . I still have conversation about my littles. I still have mommy guilt, my job is still NEVER DONE! The list goes on.
For me, I lost a lot of who I am when I became a mom. I completely sacrificed my identity over for my littles. There is nothing wrong with that but in my personal situation, I feel that I needed to get back to those roots. At the core I am more than a mother and a wife. I am Heather. An evolved version of myself but still my own identity. Going back to work, in a way is a part of me regaining myself, even if just in a monetary aspect.
For me, I lost a lot of who I am when I became a mom. I completely sacrificed my identity over for my littles. There is nothing wrong with that but in my personal situation, I feel that I needed to get back to those roots. At the core I am more than a mother and a wife. I am Heather. An evolved version of myself but still my own identity. Going back to work, in a way is a part of me regaining myself, even if just in a monetary aspect.
Now, I value my time more with the littles because it is more sparse, I too, get to see the glimmer in their eyes when we pick them up and I am still a huge part of their growth. Our lives have transitioned and I will never say it was for the better or the worst. It is just different now and I am optimistic and open to different. As a stay at home mom you don't sit and watch TV all day...well, I didn't anyways. You are working and you still experience the triumphs and woes of Life, just a little differently than a working mother. I now know both aspects and have swam in both pools soaking in all that each has to offer. As women we tend to be too hard on ourselves and thus expel that onto each other. Being a parent is one of the most important roles we could ever be blessed to have. With that, be it Stay-at - Home or Working Mom.....Mommy on! Relish those smiles, hugs, kisses, glimmering eyes and cherish every bit of time, sounds of laughter, giggles etc. After all, we are all super heroes in their eyes!
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