Razzled.Frazzled.Not much Dazzle.

I love being a mother, don't get me wrong BUT I am sick and tired, tired and sick of feeling guilty...ALL THE TIME. I drop G-Man off at camp and he is hugging my leg begging to stay home with baby Starr and I,  all while crying as the teacher pulls him from my leg. I Feel GUILTY! I don't have the house picked up before my hubster gets home from his long stressful day at work. I Feel GUILTY! The littles get dinner half an hour later than normal. I Feel GUILTY. I desperately want as many date nights as we can possibly achieve (which for the record is barely 1 x a month). I Feel GUILTY! I NEED more time to myself. I feel GUILTY! It is surprising I don't just combust from all of the GUILT I can accumulate in my body in a single day. 

Having two little ones is by far one of the most rewarding blessings in the world. Being called not only by my name, Heather and wifey to my incredible hubster, BUT being called: Mommy. My heart melts all over like in one of Salvador Dali's paintings. When Starr was younger this two littles thing was a lot easier. Starr was happy to be carried in my ergo or plopped in her bouncer. Grayson and I could play and carry on as usual (with interruption, usually) but as normal as we could achieve while tending to the needs of an infant. Now, Starr is becoming more and more mobile and Grayson has turned into what I have experienced first hand to be the "Patience Testing" threeddler! I find that not only do these two actually have bowel movements simultaneously but they undoubtedly will have tantrums at the same exact time as well. This often leaves me, especially in public, carrying both under my arms as though free weights and secretly hoping that I don't drop one of them as they both squirm erratically in my arms. I find that I now have to "whip my Head back and fourth" constantly making sure neither are getting into a "dangerous" situation. I find that they both have the same energy and I am coming to accept that I may end up with gorgeous flocks of grey prematurely. I attest that I in no way have a perfect parenting style, structure, or discipline tactics. I am just merely trying to survive motherhood while staying centered in who I really am. Trying to scoop out all that GUILT poop! Trying everyday to be the very best Mother, Wife, Friend, Person that I am capable of being.

I have been recently doing a lot of Soul Searching. As a parent I feel that you loose a sense of who you are. I feel that in Life, even if not a parent, loosing yourself comes with the territory. I am not talking about loosing yourself in a freeing and uplifting type of way. I am talking about how you end up being focused so intently on your job, family, children, stress etc that you become lost in a vastness of Fear, Doubt, Pain, Confusion. You are then left feeling as though you don't even know who that person starring back at you is. This is not, at least for me, a HAPPY experience. I am just now finally taking action and fighting past my personal "darkness." I am finally exploring who "Heather" really is outside of being a friend, mother, wife, etc. I am beginning to realize that all I really need to do on a daily basis to rid myself of my personal darkness (GUILT, FEAR, HURT, PAIN, DOUBT etc.) is to simply LOVE MYSELF. How easy is that, right? LOVE YOURSELF. You are a unique being in and out. Your flaws, beauty, strength, & weaknesses create a wonderful potion for who you really are. I am just at the beginning stages of my journey to finding my Truth. Purpose. True Self. Authentic Self. However you may want to refer to it as. I can foresee that this journey will undoubtedly be a vast one as well. In my journey I have begun to take teeny tiny baby steps, but steps just the same. I have discovered thus far that if I want more than 1%, 5% or 10% ME Time. It is okay. I don't have to feel GUILTY about it because it doesn't make me a bad mother or person. Nope. It makes me HUMAN. In fact the raw gritty dirty truth of this journey is: in reconnecting with my truth, the True Heather and living as my authentic self, fulfilling my special purpose designed for me, and in receiving love not only from others but from myself. In doing this while giving love as well, I will be less Frazzled and Razzled. In time things will become easier and flow without such a fight. At that time in my journey, (which I am excited to share all the way leading up to that) I will not only be filled with Dazzle but will radiate it to all of those who may need a bit of Dazzle in their lives as well!

This is what my path looks like. Free and clear to accept whatever comes my way!

With Happiness, Laughter, and Love!
Heather  :)